It’s been a long few years. This journey started when my family broke into a million pieces. I‘ve wanted to quit so many times just to acquire a “regular” relationship with the children I love so much. But even so, I wouldn’t nor couldn’t turn back now. This journey is an obligation. It’s not about me and hasn’t been for sometime. Although to many of you it might seem that way.
Like a lot of us human beings, I was a very lost soul my entire life. Lots of us are in this condition for a myriad of reasons. Of course this was a driving factor of me being a bad husband in spite of the deep love for my children. I had no idea how to truly love myself, much less the mother of my kids. I was taught love is a weapon to be used for attacking other humans with. Especially woman. They were evil in my little boy mind. And so after an entire life of hating the opposite gender for what my mother and sister did to me, my ex wife was the unfortunate beneficiary of this misdirected hate and anger. She never knew the depths of my pain because her parents never taught her how to communicate. I married the one of the only woman I have ever met that will simply not talk about emotions. A complete stonewall. So the frustration built between both of us and it seems she had no choice but to retaliate in such a dramatic fashion to combat my intensity, and to make sure I got lost forever. Unfortunately those blinders to protect herself from my force of nature resulted in pain to our precious kids. And I suppose I should take the blame on that too. After all I was the head of the house. And that buck must stop with me.
So off I went to run away as I had done my entire life. Go to the next chapter and blame my pain on the world, rather than where it belonged. It was owned by my late mother and the pedophiles.
Then something amazing happened...
For nothing other than an act of desperation, while in England in early 2017 trying to heal my sister through forgiveness and disclosure that went terribly wrong. As I lay in my hotel bed in London reviewing yet another episode of unhealed pain with my dear sister, the one I could never protect as a little boy, who later became my abuser- I said to my God who I hadn’t been bros with in many years, although always feeling his presence. I said “Lord I can’t do this anymore. Will you please cast out these demons away?”
Now for some of you, this may trip you out a bit, but here’s what happened. Instantly I saw the veil off heaven open. It’s like everything in front of you gets very wavy and you’re here, but not. Yes there’s angels and trumpets just like the Bible says. That’s the only way I know how to describe it, wavy. I immediately hopped in a taxi to go to St. Paul’s Cathedral. I couldn’t talk. Like literally. This happened to me the year before in Phoenix as well. Thankfully I had several friends around to help me navigate the experience. First time I was probably stoned. In London though I didn’t even have any weed. Completely sober.
As I went through the historic church looking for as private spot to surrender to the Lord officially (I’m always dramatic), I found the most humble corner I could and had a vision.
My God showed me many things then, but what I really want to share is simple. I was so humbled by him showing his glory to me, I immediately said, “okay boss, what’s my mission? I’m all yours.”.
He said I must keep seeking him and that I would get my answers as I go. I would have to have faith. Trust him. Especially when things looked bleak. That it would al work out for his glory. And if I was being genuine in my commitment to helping people, he would take care of the rest. He explained to me that he made me the warrior I am for his purpose. But it was up to me whether I was willing to do what it took to complete my mission. Would I have the patience and faith needed? In short he told me I would suffer for this purpose. Greatly. And then as soon as I left the church I had the warmest wave of peace come over me. So I was hooked. No way did I ever want to lose that connection again.
It was just a couple days later that Homeland Security tried to nab me in Dallas, and then after that the death threats started.
I’ve realized that my warrior spirit was forged through these decades of abuse. I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old sleeping in a sitting position pretending I was a super hero, holding a steak knife to stab the abusers, yet never could never muster the courage.
In hindsight all the pain was necessary. I embrace it now, rather than resent it.
As each day goes by I seek his will in the micro. And am always open to the way his winds blow. One thing is for sure. All of these projects are about spreading love through the elimination of abuse. And of course I must start with the lowest hanging fruit, #GCSOC. My job is to use these developed tools of personality to combat the abusers head on. When I accomplish these things, a vaccumm will be created. I’ll leave it up to the folks that are more practiced than I am at expressing love to fill the void. I’m just learning.
It is my sincere request that the powers at be who believe the United States Constitution is the primary governing document for our country, take action.
Making sure the bad actors in the media, law enforcement and government that participated in #GCSOC are brought to justice is a crucial benchmark that must be accomplished. Personally, I forgive all of you. But a precedent must be set for the future. For the people.
When I finally run for office, I will operate in the same manner. Exposing corruption for the sake of getting rid of it. Not for favors. Not to be liked. And if that’s an appealing approach for a politician to voters, than I can borrow power from the people and really hook them up with quantifiable results, regardless of political party or social economic class.
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